A conversation with Bob

Mark (Q): So Bob, what's with the human name?
Bob (A): What? That's my name? That's so lame. Who's idea was it to name me Bob? Mark: Well it was mine. Bob: Yours? And that's the most exciting thing you could come up with, Mr. PHD candidate? No wonder no lady bunnies ever come around.

Mark (Q): Wait why are you just realizing now that your name is Bob?
Bob (A): I've been ignoring you. I thought Bob was like your roommate or something.

Mark (Q): That explains a lot. Ok well can you help me understand why you grunt? To my knowledge, bunnies are supposed to be cuddly little critters. You grunt. You charge. You bite. Sometimes all three at once. What's the deal? Are you angry?
Bob (A): That bad-bunny image is really a façade. On the inside, I long to be cuddled just like lots of other bunnies. But to be honest sometimes you really aggravate me. So I grunt. And charge. And sometimes I bite. But really it's just a sign of affection. You've gotten quite good at avoiding the bite, I might add.

Mark (Q): Thank you. It took me a while. You actually drew blood once on my leg.
Bob (A): So did Moo! I thought you were an apple.

Mark (Q): Let's not bring her into it. And Moo didn't draw blood on my leg it was on my finger.
Bob (A): Whatever.

Mark (Q): Ok perhaps some more interesting questions. What do you think of your living quarters?
Bob (A): The bathroom? Well it's a little weird. And it took some adjusting. How many other animals live in a bathroom? After a while I realized it was a good gig. Spacious. Rent free. The fact that you and that LADY do laundry in here like every day gets a little annoying. But all in all it's tons better than a 10 gallon fish tank.

Mark (Q): Speaking of the fish tank, how did you end up in Bloomsburg?
Bob (A): That's a great question. To be honest, I really have no clue. It's not the most happening place around. And I ended up in Agway. Can you imagine AGWAY in BLOOMSBURG? I shared a 10 gallon PRISON CELL with two other bunnies. All boys, I might add. But when you're a pet you get shipped anywhere. And really the first 10 or so weeks I was more worried about my eye.

Mark (Q): Yes tell the folks what happened with your eye.
Bob (A): Well I don't really know that anything happened. I mean when you're one of 12 bunnies in a litter there's bound to be one of us with a problem. Mine was my left eye. It didn't really open for a while. The nice people at Agway (I never bit any of them) helped me out. But they didn't think anyone was going to take me because I was a one-eye. But then the LADY showed up. And she seemed to actually want me because I had one gunky eye. That was nice. Then I bit her.

Mark (Q): So what's the status of the eye now?
Bob (A): Well it's totally open and I can see more or less ok. I still like people to come at me from the right. Makes it easier to charge.

Mark (Q): Right, that's great. I'll keep that in mind. So any hobbies?
Bob (A): Hobbies? What like crocheting? I'm a bunny. My life consists of eating, drinking, jumping and, from time to time, biting. I like to sit on the second shelf in the bathroom. It's not much but it's my life.

Mark (Q): Did you know that Moo the guinea pig lived above you?
Bob (A): I did hear some whistling once in a while (who knew guinea pigs made noise?) I never knew for sure that she was up there. I can't jump that high. Probably a good thing because this whole "being a male bunny with no other bunnies in sight" idea gets a little unexciting after a while.

Mark (Q): What a lovely image. Well moving along. I hear you eat just about anything. True?
Bob (A): Well I do eat a lot of weird things. I like brown leaves. And peanut butter captain crunch. And I like fruit and nut bars (they're organic and on the healthy side). Lettuce is good but don't stand between me and the litter box. Oh and M&Ms rock. But you and the LADY only let me have one even though you have a gi-normous bag like every other day.

Mark (Q): Why do you circle around the legs of us humans?
Bob (A): You really don't know?
Mark (A): Um no. Well I mean someone told me once what it's supposed to mean. But how can a human really know?
Bob (Q): Wait let me guess, the Internet said it means that I want to hump. That about right?
Mark (A): Well yes something along those lines.
Bob (A): Don't flatter yourself. I think you're food. Or maybe bringing me food. Plain and simple.

Mark (Q); Well that's much more comforting. What about that little incident when we had another bunny come and visit. Do you recall?
Bob (A): Right. Oscar. Umm well you see it had been a long time since I'd seen another bunny.

Mark: As I remember we had to separate you almost immediately.
Bob: Right can we move on to something else?

Mark (A): Sure well I only really have one more question. Any chance you'll get your toenails clipped this century?
Bob (Q): Tell me about it. You could poke an eye out with these things. Have the LADY do it. I like her. I promise I won't bite. But maybe she should wear some thick gloves.

Mark: Bob it's been fun. Really. You're a gem. Weird. But a gem. Maybe like a Zircon kind of gem. But still a gem of some sort, provided you don't look too closely.
Bob: Thanks. Can I get an M&M?